Brevity is the Soul of WitStream

DAN CRONINabout 47 minutes ago

"HANNAH/MONTANA" - (Sign on the door if ex-NFL greats John Hannah and Joe Montana started a company together)

DAN CRONINabout 49 minutes ago

You're saying you want me to sing a song you haven't thought about in 20 years or so? Ok..."Deeper shade a soul, yeah-eh-eh-ah..."

MARK LEGANabout 50 minutes ago

Maybe kidnapping - yeah - that's a good way to make some quick cash. And it ALWAYS seems to work out for the kidnappers!

BRENDON WALSHabout 50 minutes ago

Which one of you motherfuckers had sex with my mom?

MARK LEGANabout half an hour ago

She came onto me.

MARK LEGANabout 51 minutes ago

I had the kind of day today (sudden car problems, hundreds of dollars in plumbing bills burst pipe) that makes you understand bank robbers.

MATT SCHNEIDERMANabout 55 minutes ago

injuries due to rec-league basketball: indicative of my gracelessless, or my advancing age?

UNCLE DYNAMITEabout 1 hour ago

Were I a woman, and if Eric Clapton was to sing "Wonderful Tonight" to me, I'd most certainly hang myself.

MARK LEGANabout 1 hour ago

As my Mom used to say to me as she approached at night with a pillow in her hands, "You can't spell smother without mother!!"

TIM SIEDELLabout 1 hour ago

I may be 22 years late on this, but Fright Night 2 sucks.

SARA BENINCASAabout 1 hour ago

Have a great weekend, you divine skanks.

DAN CRONINabout 1 hour ago

May go out solo later on tonight. Possible look - white suit, no shirt, orange aqua-socks.

STEVE HUFFabout 2 hours ago

You unsubs reveal your signature behaviors in your tweets. Many of you are antisocial misanthropes. But I think a few of you are ducks.

MATT VANCILabout 2 hours ago

Congratulations to Nathan and Hannah as they celebrate their engagement. How I wish I could be there with you. Make sure his pants stay on.

SEAN O'CONNORabout 2 hours ago

Since Jay-Z used to sell crack, I wonder if any of his customers brag to their families about how they knew him when.

JORDAN RUBINabout 2 hours ago

"Bone Thugs-n-Harmony Korine" #IndieRapGroups

STEVE HUFFabout 2 hours ago

Something else I've learned from all CBS crime dramas: if the dude is wearing a hoodie with the hood up, he's probably gonna kill you.

ELI BRADENabout 2 hours ago

If I could ask Paul McCartney just one question, it would probably be: Did Lovely Rita Meter Maid have a pair o' BIG-ASS TAY-TAYS???

DAVE HOLMESabout 2 hours ago

There are 140 performers in tonight's Night of 140 Tweets, and I'll wager at least 133 of us are changing clothes nervously right now.

ANTHONY DEVITOabout 2 hours ago

I will go on record: I hate Bob Dylan's music. Always have. And he looks like Vincent Price now.

SEAN O'CONNORabout 2 hours ago

I feel like I'm 15, all I've been doing is listening to the Get Up kids and this girl doesn't know I have a crush on her + we will be bffz!

ELI BRADENabout 2 hours ago

#OMGfacts The bassist from KISS's full name is Gene Mutation Simmons.

MATT MCCARTHYabout 2 hours ago

The people outside this window are baaaaaaaad people. I don't like them, their voices hurt me, the words they say, and the dum dums they be.

LIAM MCENEANEYabout 2 hours ago

George Martin was a real genius. If by "genius" you mean "guy who shoved all the vocals into the right speaker all the time."

SEAN O'CONNORabout 3 hours ago

"We're not lost Robin. Hand me that Batlas." - George C. Batman

JAMES URBANIAKabout 3 hours ago

I'll be performing in the star-studded benefit Night of 140 Tweets tonight assuming they let me in.

STEVE AGEEabout 3 hours ago

80% chance my tweet tonight will have to do with masturbating #140TWEETS #charity #StillerStrong

RYAN PEREZabout 3 hours ago

Do you think Paul Greengrass referred to the set of "Green Zone" as the "Greengrass Zone"? He probably did. What a dickhead.

PAUL ODDOabout 3 hours ago

If you're eating a hardboiled egg at a dance club you're a weirdo, but you've got perfect fart camouflage.

JIM HAMILTONabout 4 hours ago

Teen Workers! You have the right to a safe workplace. Tell your manager if Carl comes up from the stock room. #cruellyspecificofficeposter

SCOTT AUKERMANabout 4 hours ago

Dancers are great because their art form is really just an expression of what sluts they are.